grandma shit on top of the toilet
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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