I just saw a hot homeless man
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
