I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
