not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
