I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize