I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
