i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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