So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
