i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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