OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
