I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
