I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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