she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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