You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
