I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
