Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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