We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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