i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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