He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
