apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
