I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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