You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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