Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
