I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
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