I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
