When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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