Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
