There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
