if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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