Got a toothbrush?
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I could make wine with my vomit
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
