I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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