When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
