My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I understand Curling. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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