saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
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I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
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I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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