from now on my penis is your penis
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
