when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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