i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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