do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I will pee on everything he values.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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