I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
