why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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