was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
