I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
