her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
