Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
