Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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