Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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