I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
