You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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