Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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