As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
as a side note pls kill me
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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