I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
