I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
