i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
