Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
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basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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