i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
