He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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