Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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