I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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