The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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