He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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