I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
