As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
