idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
