I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
she smelled like a LAN party
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
